I think I won the penis lottery.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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