Someone shit on the floor
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
