6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
