Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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