drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
