You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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