I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
