i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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