wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
