I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
