apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize