On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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