He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My feet surprised me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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