I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
