Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
