He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
