did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
