I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
