i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
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