Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Enjoy the penises
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
