And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
