Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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