you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
