did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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