We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize