i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
