Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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