About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
