it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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