if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
