Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
