I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
