She said her name was "party"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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