So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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