i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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