i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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