I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
