can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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