Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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