at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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