It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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