I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
