my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
