angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
