and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
