3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
