im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
