we're chasing vodka with high fives
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she told me i tasted like america
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
