sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
