Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
