I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
