see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
