I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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