you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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