She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
