Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
false alarm. still invincible.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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