one two three fourrrrnication!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
