wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
