it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
