I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
